Being Nice and Being Authentic
Robin, my wife, said to me recently: ‘You are not as nice now as you were when we were first married (37 years ago)’. In the following days, a range of emotions swept over me: hurt (what? not true, surely); guilt (I had no choice); anger (how can she say that? and anyway, neither is she); but most of all an edgy feeling that she may be right.
So…reflection on an inventory followed. Context first: married in 1984, 30 years old, six years of experience already in South Africa, lots of friends, a steady job with an excellent company, a step-son of five years. And yes, an instinct to be nice. Meaning of nice: friendly, accommodating of others’ views, tactful and respectful, not belligerent, not drunk too often (this is a warning as drunkenness certainly causes derailments), not opinionated, reliable and behaving with integrity, trustworthy as an ‘already parent’, emotionally intelligent and not triggered. Rating of Ian in 1984 by Ian in 2021: on this definition, Robin is correct.
Then I started thinking rationally, not emotionally. After a while, I asked myself: ‘Do you not think you have changed since 1984 for some good reasons? Have you not grown? Do you really think you should have stayed the same?’ The answers were clear to me. I had to have changed, I needed to change.
So the question becomes: which aspects of the 1984 version of Ian does the 2021 version of Ian wish to cast aside? Only one aspect perhaps, and a multi-faceted one at that: the being nice to ingratiate myself. Better defined – to fit into a paradigm of a person that I thought would be successful at that time. Accommodating others and other situations at the expense of my own truths, my own perspectives, my own meaning and identity.
This now seems correct for me, rationally and emotionally. Because I respect all of the aspects on the list I drew up a few sentences ago. But it is as if WANTING to be nice destroyed the authenticity of me. BEING nice is the goal, and I have not yet achieved that goal. Being nice authentically means being, living with, all the aspects listed there AND being authentic, real, true to myself at the same time.
The insight of Robin means that the search for authenticity can, and does, erase the pattern of civilised, pleasant, right, trust-inducing behaviours. And this erasure should not, must not, happen. One cannot ever imagine that the search for authenticity has some sort of precedence over good behaviour, that this search is somehow more important, more exalted. It’s got to be an ‘And…’ – both authentic and nice.
So. ‘Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better’¹ is how it must be, how it only can be, to travel the journey of life with purpose and meaning for oneself AND respectful and loving of others.